I come across many people, too many people, who repeat the same story. They tell me, ‘we are married but sleeping in separate rooms.’
Doesn’t this beg the question ‘what does being married mean to them and why are they staying together?’
I met a lady the other day who said she was married, yet for the past five years has slept in another bedroom from her husband. She then said, ‘we have an 11-year-old’. What exactly does that mean? The couple are staying together for their child? And when it came to the question of sex, she revealed that intimacy stopped when the room shuffle had commenced.
Seriously what sort of example is it to the children to stay in a loveless marriage – to live with someone, you may no longer respect and living frozen, unable to move your life forward?
I worked with a couple through their separation who told me their marriage had ended “Seven years ago on March 20th”. The date had a significant event attached to it which is how they had remembered. They continued to sleep in the same bed back-to-back with no intimacy for the entire time. When I asked them why it had taken so long to decide on separation, their answer was “It wasn’t bad enough to leave and we kept the status quo for our children”.
When is it bad enough to leave? Do you look at your partner and wish that they wouldn’t come home today or as quoted by an ex-client “get hit by a bus”? Do you feel sad, unhappy and miserable… dying on the inside? Is it time to leave when the relationship no longer supports either party in a productive, loving manner?
A slow death of love that creeps up one day at a time. until not only the love no longer exists, but neither do you. This leads me into one more story. A friend’s mother died aged 85. Her dying words were “well that was a waste of time”. What the lady meant was she had been married at age 20, to a man she wished would either leave her or die, he did neither. Please don’t waste a minute of your precious life in a sad or bad relationship.
I am not an advocate for separation, I am an advocate for make up or break up. Live your life with someone who loves you and who you love. Personally, it took me years to leave my marriage. I too slept under the same roof in separate bedrooms. I won’t deny that it was incredibly scary to actually leave. However, every fear I had were problems and obstacles which I managed to overcome. After the event I looked back and was only saddened that I took so long to leave. There was a time of readjustment and grief, but I cannot put a price on being free of sadness. Living my life happy, full of fun, surrounded by great friends is fabulous and worth all the tears and fears.
My advice for all the separate room sleepers is please work on your relationship to improve your situation or take the step of moving on. Allow your partner to be happy with someone else, just as you should be.
I started my separation business to assist individuals and couples to find clarity to either stay and work on your relationship or move through your separation. We manage the entire process with you, we offer ‘a better way to separate’. Saving you and your partner the emotional roller coaster and thousands and thousands of dollars on unnecessary court costs. If you want further information we would be happy to offer you a free initial consultation.
“I’m not an advocate for separation, I am an advocate for living your life with someone who loves you and who you love.” Alvia Turney CEO & Founder of Act4Tomorrow